Trying to be a man - The United States Air Force -P1

Growing up as a "Military Brat" I remember more than anything telling myself that I would never be a part of the Armed Forces as an adult.  I think that for people in my position that was a common theme whereas for people in my twilight zone would have wanted to do the complete opposite.  Before I say another word I feel that I should say that I was beyond proud to serve, have the up most respect for those that have and still are serving, and have absolutetly no regret in my decision to serve my country!  My father spent over twenty years in the United States Navy and I am so proud of his choice to due so.  I have friends and family that have served in various branches and no matter how small a single job (such as mine was) may seem to the average person, it takes every single person in every single position to make it all work.....regardless of how we may feel at the time of what is and is not necessary.  For some the military is a way out of the world that they have grown up in that seems to be worthless, for others it is a true duty that they feel they must serve, and yet for others still (as it was for me) a way of  searching for direction and a way of making their father and/or mother proud.

With each generation comes an expectation of the next generation and that expectation, sadly, is based on the generation that came before them.  That always leaves someone left holding the bag and not sure what to do with it.  The wonderful thing is that with each passing generation we have learned something, whether we meant to or not.  I remember a wonderful friend from Iceland, Ricky Rynearson, whom I never would have though would be the incredible member of the Air Force that he is today.  We have sporadically kept in contact over the past twenty years and though I know very little about his life now, I do know that he has become one hell of a man! 

My journey into the military came from desperation and lack of direction, through no ones fault.  For whatever reason the years of moving around and never having stability took their toll on me and left me at an impasse of which I did not know what to do or where to go to find out.  Lest anyone should start to read this and think that I am attempting to make excuses for all the crap that is in my life, I am not, this blog started and still remains at this point, way of catching my friends, former school mates and those who give a shit up on the past twenty years of my life. 

I joined the Air Force for several reasons and the most of which was to have someone give me some direction because I did not know how to direct myself.  There are so many other aspects and emotions that have yet to be explored in my writing I find it very hard to stay focused on specifics yet I will try.  Being shy and quiet in high school I learned what I was good at, took that knowledge and still followed someone else in hopes of it all working out.  After all it always had for mom and dad. 

Route 18 - Indianapolis - Part B

The Starbucks Stalker - You would not need to go very far here in Indianapolis to find a Starbucks coffee shop.  As with 7-Eleven stores in Pensacola, Florida; they seem to be on every street corner.  Here in the Nora area of the north side there is one inside of Target and yet another one across the parking lot in the neighboring strip mall.  Luckily for me there is also one across from The Cheesecake Factory , where I work in the Fashion Mall.  Though you will find the same types of coffee drinks, pastries, espresso and various overpriced machines to make such drinks in the comfort of your own home; I wonder if all Starbucks come with their own personal Stalker such as the particular stores I mentioned above.  I will see this guy on the bus from time to time, and from what I can gather, he simply travels from one Starbucks store to another throughout the day.  He is never drinking coffee, only sitting outside drinking water; or standing if he is smoking a cigarette, which is pretty much 99% of the time.  The first couple time I noticed him I thought nothing of it, but then as I pass one or more Starbucks through each day, he is always there.  He has an air of creepiness about him yet seems pretty harmless and every so often I am tempted to ask him what his story is.  Usually, however, though he begins to talk to the invisible people around him and I just walk away.

The Broadripple Brewpub Babe - The Broadripple Brewpub will be celebrating its twentieth anniversary at some point in 2010.  I have personally never been there and I doubt that I ever will, but you never know.  According to their website they open at 11am everyday for lunch, and every morning there is a woman waiting at the bus stop I sometimes use around 8am waiting to head in that direction, wearing not only a brewpub 10th anniversary t-shift, but a short black servers apron as well.  Perhaps this lovely lady has been with them since the doors opened almost twenty years ago, thus accounting for the lack of care or concern in the way she presents herself at this point.  The bandanna which attempts to keep her hair under control is not to be outdone by the cut-off at the knee blue jeans, with many well worn through holes or the apron which is long overdue for a trip to the washing machine.  Now I do not describe this "babe" to insult her in as much as I cannot imagine what I would do if I were to visit an eating establishment and she were to walk up to my table as my server.   As with the Starbucks Stalker this woman enjoys her friends that only she is able to see; though she speaks much more vulgar with them than he does.

These are just two of the many people I have so far come into contact with on Route 18, there are several more and I will share them with you from time to time.                                              

Route 18 - Indianapolis - Part A

I find it utterly amazing how different public transportation can be from one city to another, not to mention how the demographics change so immensely from smaller towns to larger cities and even more so in the major metropolis areas of the country.  I am not claiming to be an expert on public transportation, but I most certainly know the good from the bad, the safe from the dangerous, the clean from the not-so-clean and the one constant that I have found in any city when using PT(Public Transportation) and that is the common everyday strange person, wacko, crazy person....well you get the idea.  They are everywhere and depending on who you are, they are you!  Obviously what is strange to one person may not be so strange to someone else, but you would have to agree that sometimes, not matter how much you may not want to say it, some people are just out there!

     Indianapolis is a very spread out city and there are many neighborhoods North, South, East & West that people needs to get too and from on a daily basis and therefore you might think that PT system, IndyGo, would be quite extensive and very adequate for a city in upwards two-million people and ranking in as the 23rd largest city in US.  Think again!!  It blows and not a good blow either.  Take a look at the system route map and you will see it is like a spider.  Almost, if not every single route goes through downtown and that is pretty much the only place to make transfers.  The majority of the routes run Northwest and Northeast from downtown with no connecting routes once you get further and further north, although the routes become further and further apart....totally stupid.

     Somehow it seems that in most cities the Northside and Southside are total polar opposites in the types of neighborhoods, safety, demographics and people in general that occupy these areas.  So by this assumption you would think that the Northside of a city would have less oddball people that say the Southside.  I am here to tell you that is not the case here in Indianapolis and the bus route that I use the most, Route 18 is a perfect example of how the freaks are everywhere!

Coming Back To Reality

If living in Iceland was the break from reality that I wish everyone was able to experience, then setting foot back in the states was certainly a wake-up call.  I remember after graduating high school thinking that now I was free and there was no one to tell me what to do and I was now able to do whatever I chose to do.  I am still unsure why no one told me that those thoughts were completely ridiculous and so untrue, though I am pretty sure that the reality actually was that various people had spent years attempting to make me aware of this fact of life and I in my infinate lack of wisdom decided not to listen.  

My father flew back with me on my initial return to states, stayed for a couple of days and helped me to find a car.  We both had learned years earlier that my knowledge of anything mechanical and whether or not it was a good vehicle soley relied on his experise.  With, I am sure, a splite sense of pride as well as doubts and fears he sent me on my way to Flordia where my two best friends were waiting for me.  Looking back now I wish that there had been a three day indoctrination when returning to the states as there had been when we first went to Iceland.  If I remember correctly it was not more than three or four months before all three of us realized that we had gotten ourselves in over our heads.  Stubborn as I was, and still am, after a few weeks of staying with my best friend Eddie at his parents house, I ventured out on my own, rented my own apartment, had a job and within the month realized that I was in trouble.

     I am sure that although I thought it was a wonderful surprise to just show up back in Virginia at my parents house shortly after their return to the states, for them it was probably more of a situation to deal with.  My insistence on leaving Iceland before them and having my dad go through all the extra motions of having my belongings sent to Florida, which now he had to travel with me back to retrieve and bring back to Virginia, was at best the first, though not the last time he would save my ass from myself.

     The one logical and rational decision I had made at this point in my life was to join the military, more so to get away from home than anything, yet thinking that I was a making a very determined and good decision for myself.  Though my parents were very proud of my decision I certainly did not make the next few months any easier on anyone by being back under their roof.  As I began to look for a job while I waited for new year to ring in and to be sent off to boot-camp, I also began to sink into a depression that I had no clue as how to deal with.  I began to realize how much I missed the kids that I had worked with in Iceland and during my brief stint in Florida while volunteering at the Youth Center at NAS Pensacola.  I was able to fill that void by finding a job working at LaPetite Academy in nearby Chesapeake.

      Working at the academy gave the opportunity to work with children again and to save up the money to pay a trip back up to Iceland for Christmas, which was not cheap by any means.  I do not know if anyone in my family really understood how important that was for me, nor any of my friends really knew either with a few exceptions.  I think having been able to learn so much about myself from those kids, and the friendships I made not only with them but with several of the parents made it neccessary to see them again, and in some cases knowing that I would never see any of them again.  

Things were a little different working at La Petite, I was after all back in the states and not on a military base, so the rules were a lot different.  I was still lucky enough to work with a great group of kids and when the time came fours months later to leave and head off to boot-camp, I can not say that is was easy.  I am pretty sure that when I returned home briefly after graduating boot-camp I went to the academy first to see the kids before I even went to my house. 

Getting it together....the past few months

Remember the commercial about depression and how it can affect your life? 'Tis true, 'tis true Something that I have learned in the past few months is that, at least for me, depression will sneak into your life and creep up on you without any warning really, not any obvious signs at first. Now although in the past I've made feeble attempts to put an end to my life, they were, as I now look back, simply ways to add a little drama to my life at the time. There were no thoughts of suicide recently, I was not stuck in bed unable to get up to start the day or any such thing, however, depression was still there and present and working its way into my life a little more day by day.

I don't blame anyone one person, any one situation, any one moment in time, and perhaps most importantly not myself for becoming depressed. That is not to say that all the various factors, when combined in the right combinations, did not come together for a perfect prescription for being downright blue and heading toward a place that could have been very hard to get out of. I don't plan on getting into all the specifics, at least not at the present time, I do however plan on getting everything back on track and keeping myself on the bright side looking forward to the next day. I've missed writing in this blog and am eager to get back into it...my therapy. I also am going to make a valiant effort to take steps to make sure that I do not head down this road again anytime soon.

A Little Useless Information

1. What time did you get up this morning? It varies, but usually pretty early...anywhere from 4am to 8am.

2. How do you like your steak cooked? I don't really eat steak often, but I'd say Med-Well

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Little Ashes

4. What is your favorite TV show? I Love Lucy

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Chicago, New York, Iceland, SF

6. What did you have for breakfast? Coffee

7. What is your favorite cuisine? It varies

8. What foods do you dislike? Pineapple, Sweet Potatoes, Dorrito's

9. Favorite Place to Eat? Nothing pops into my mind specific

10. Favorite dressing? Blue Cheese & 1000 Island

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? I don't drive

12. What are your favorite clothes? As long as it looks good, I don't care

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? I'd go back to visit Iceland

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? I strive to think 1/2 full

15. Where would you want to retire? Retire? Hell no, I'd be way too bored

16. Favorite time of day? Depends if I'm alone or not

17. Where were you born? San Bernardino, California

18. What is your favorite sport to watch? Hmmmm.....none

19. Who do you think will not tag you back? Niel S...LOL

20. Person you expect to tag you back first? Gerry Manuel

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? See question 20

22. Are you satisfied with your life? Nope, but getting there

23. Are you a morning person or a night person? I'd have to say morning as I get older...ugh!

24. Do you have any pets? Yes, his name is Chay Chay...he's virtual

25. If you only had one day to live, who would you spend it with? Anthony Capouzo and my Baboy.

26. What did you want to be when you were little? I have no clue

27. What is your best childhood memory? All the time spent at my Granny's

28. Are you a cat or dog person? Both

29. Are you married? Not allowed yet

30. Always wear your seat belt? Yes

31. Been in a car accident? More than one, when I was younger and stupid

32. Any pet peeves? Laziness in the workplace

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings? Mushrooms & Chicken

34. Favorite Flower? Roses, though I'm the one usually sending them

35. Favorite ice cream? Vanilla & Cookie Dough

36. What is your favorite color? Ultra-Marine Blue & Red

37. Have you ever been in Love? More than once & in some ways I still am

38. Would people describe you as passive or agressive? Agressive

39. Do you think you are passive or agressive? Passive

40. What is your best personality trait? Your worst? My emotions on both counts

Life After High School, But Still On The Rock!

I took this picture earlier this morning using Google Earth. For those who do not recognize it, this NAS Keflavik, Iceland(well formally it was at least). I was able to zoom in and out to various places all over the base, I was even able to see where my house used to be from the imprints left after the housing was torn down. Although I remember most of these buildings, it was a little more difficute to remember what they all were when I was there. However, as I identified many of them it seemed that each one held a story, or many stories in most cases. If you look at the bottom midle of the picture you will see what was, at the time, the Youth Center where I worked and met all those awesome kids that still hold a place in my heart. See the blue U shaped building at the top and a little to left of center? Well that is the old A.T. Mahan High School. I'm so grateful to have seen Francesca Laurenzi earlier this year and share stories, which was equally amazing because we were several years apart in school and never hung out, but the magic that is Iceland allowed us to talk as if we were best friends. In a few weeks another former school mate, Alex Benjamin, is going to be here in Chicago and we are going to get the chance to see each other and I'm sure that it will be the same scenario(I am also hoping that Angela Romero-Faulkner with make a guest apperance that weekend).

As I have said before being in Iceland brought a closeness among people who might not have been otherwise. Though options were limited in many ways, the limitations were a perfect setting for creating your own fun, even at the expense of our parents at times. As with every teenager in history knows, although you say you will keep in touch after graduation and nothing will change, it always does. When you do not have to get up every morning and drudge off to school in order to collectivly see all of your friends, the distance immediately begins to come between you. Now imagine, if you will, how different life would have been if that was not really possible. Sure you stop going to school, or do you? You will not see your best friend everyday, as before, because you do not have homeroom together anymore, or will you? Now with all this free time on your hands you can do anything you want to, or can you? You have graduated from high school after 13 (for some of us 14) years and never have to look back, see those teachers that drove you nuts, put up with the people you could not stand, and best of all you do not have to set foot in that building again....or do you?

(Gordon McMahon has been lucky enough to go back to Iceland recently, and was able to get into the old high school. I finally looked at these pictures today, after avoiding them for some reason...ok ok ... because I did not want to get all mushy and teary eyed. Nevertheless, I looked at them and the memories came rushing back yet again. Check out A.T. Mahan High School, courtesy of Gordon, oh and G thanks for letting me use your pictures.)
Having limited builidings in Iceland, the high school also served as a meeting hall and was used in the evenings for college classes. So no sooner had we left this building behind, did we find ourselves right back in it for more school. The major difference being that we actually had to behave ourselves as adults(how the hell do you do that, I am still working on that one)and did you know that it is much harder to stay awake in school at 7pm versus 7am? Although during certains times of the year it was pretty irrevelevent considering 24 hours of sunlight or darkness was the norm.
I took drama in high school just to fill space and really enjoyed it, so much so that I still wanted to be a part of it afterwards, thus landing me right back in the building for yet another reason. Now as you already have been told, with the communtiy being so small, social gatherings were few and far between....well at least organized ones. So you find yourself going to dances, back at the school, just so you have some of that social interaction that you were pretty sure that you did not want so much of anymore. But hey you are not a student so you did not have to play by the same rules! That is until you are kicked out of a dance, although your date was still a student, because you(and your friends)did not get along with one of the teachers, who just happened to be the chaperon. So after all these years of waiting to be a graduate and not follow the same social norms or have to obey the same people, you are screwed!
So much for the light at the end of the tunnel, so much for getting away from it all, or getting away from anyone. The picture to left shows the Chapel of Light, where myself and Amy Barclay took on the challenge of singing the Michael W. Smith song, "Friends". I remember trying not to look at Eddie Parker, my best friend, because I knew I would cry, but I did catch a glimpse of him(I mean how could I not, he was my best friend for crying out loud)and when I did, he had tears streaming down his face. I am pretty sure that is why, to this day, I will sing with my eyes closed most of the time. Close your eyes and be amazed at what you see in your mind, the memories, the moments that have changed your life....for me a great deal of them are in Iceland. They lie in the closeness and isolation that we were all forced, yet lucky to experience.

Though life after high school did not change as much as we might have thought that it would it did give us a lot more time on our hands to conjure up ways to have fun, and to continually come up with new ways of doing the same ole things. Some of the greatest moments shared on base were spent at the air terminal in the middle of the night. Thinking back on it now, it seems that we all ended up drawn there to hang out, chill out and talk, just spend some time away from other things and why? If you stop and thing about it, of all the places on the base it was the most important place on base. The air terminal was, not only the best place for late night hot chocolate, but also our link in and out of the twighlight zone. The place where, when we stepped off that plane for the first time and for the last, our lives forever changed. The air terminal served as a
pit stop for the troops returning from Desert Storm and we were able to meet and thank the men who were over there, putting their lives at risk for ours. I remember taking an "F" on an assignment for a Sociolgy class because I did not want to bombard them with questions, I just wanted to be someone who was grateful for their service, regardless of whether I felt the situation they were in was wrong or right. Hell it was not the first "F" I had recieved on an assignment, but at least this time it was on purpose. The time s spent at the terminal were almost surreal in a lot of cases. I am sure that I am not the only person that looks back and thinks of it as a place to go and just leave what we were dealing with at the door. I talk a great deal about how small, isolated and sheltered we were from reality in the states, but that does not mean that we did not have our own share of things to deal with. Those things may have seemed small to things that had to be dealt with for other teenagers, but for us they were big, no matter what they were. You could take solace in the terminal, and of course get away with some crazy and emotional moments that are simply unexplainable.

The bowling alley, the movie theater, Dead Man's Hill, the mini-mart(it was always good to have a friend working there), Wendy's, The USO, the community center(where only four best friends could plan a party, pay for it all, get drunk as hell, get in a huge fight and then not remember any of it the next day). These are just a few of the places at NAS Keflavik that served to be our life both before and after graduation. I imagine it would take an enitire encyclopedia of experiences to give even a small view of what it was life for us. The beauty of the rock could only be outshadowed by the incredible life that we all had there. Come on, where else in life can you be accused of egging someones house when you are literally thousands of miles away?

Each time that I sit down to try and write about Iceland I find myself in turmoil. It is so hard to try and focus in on things because they always give way to more and more. My first thoughts were to simply write a few things and let that be that, but when there is so much more it is impossible. I am sure for some people reading this would confuse them beyond belief. I am very grateful to know that for at least a few people it is like being able to go back and do it all over again.....because I know that I would in a heartbeat!