Coming Back To Reality

If living in Iceland was the break from reality that I wish everyone was able to experience, then setting foot back in the states was certainly a wake-up call.  I remember after graduating high school thinking that now I was free and there was no one to tell me what to do and I was now able to do whatever I chose to do.  I am still unsure why no one told me that those thoughts were completely ridiculous and so untrue, though I am pretty sure that the reality actually was that various people had spent years attempting to make me aware of this fact of life and I in my infinate lack of wisdom decided not to listen.  

My father flew back with me on my initial return to states, stayed for a couple of days and helped me to find a car.  We both had learned years earlier that my knowledge of anything mechanical and whether or not it was a good vehicle soley relied on his experise.  With, I am sure, a splite sense of pride as well as doubts and fears he sent me on my way to Flordia where my two best friends were waiting for me.  Looking back now I wish that there had been a three day indoctrination when returning to the states as there had been when we first went to Iceland.  If I remember correctly it was not more than three or four months before all three of us realized that we had gotten ourselves in over our heads.  Stubborn as I was, and still am, after a few weeks of staying with my best friend Eddie at his parents house, I ventured out on my own, rented my own apartment, had a job and within the month realized that I was in trouble.

     I am sure that although I thought it was a wonderful surprise to just show up back in Virginia at my parents house shortly after their return to the states, for them it was probably more of a situation to deal with.  My insistence on leaving Iceland before them and having my dad go through all the extra motions of having my belongings sent to Florida, which now he had to travel with me back to retrieve and bring back to Virginia, was at best the first, though not the last time he would save my ass from myself.

     The one logical and rational decision I had made at this point in my life was to join the military, more so to get away from home than anything, yet thinking that I was a making a very determined and good decision for myself.  Though my parents were very proud of my decision I certainly did not make the next few months any easier on anyone by being back under their roof.  As I began to look for a job while I waited for new year to ring in and to be sent off to boot-camp, I also began to sink into a depression that I had no clue as how to deal with.  I began to realize how much I missed the kids that I had worked with in Iceland and during my brief stint in Florida while volunteering at the Youth Center at NAS Pensacola.  I was able to fill that void by finding a job working at LaPetite Academy in nearby Chesapeake.

      Working at the academy gave the opportunity to work with children again and to save up the money to pay a trip back up to Iceland for Christmas, which was not cheap by any means.  I do not know if anyone in my family really understood how important that was for me, nor any of my friends really knew either with a few exceptions.  I think having been able to learn so much about myself from those kids, and the friendships I made not only with them but with several of the parents made it neccessary to see them again, and in some cases knowing that I would never see any of them again.  

Things were a little different working at La Petite, I was after all back in the states and not on a military base, so the rules were a lot different.  I was still lucky enough to work with a great group of kids and when the time came fours months later to leave and head off to boot-camp, I can not say that is was easy.  I am pretty sure that when I returned home briefly after graduating boot-camp I went to the academy first to see the kids before I even went to my house. 

Getting it together....the past few months

Remember the commercial about depression and how it can affect your life? 'Tis true, 'tis true Something that I have learned in the past few months is that, at least for me, depression will sneak into your life and creep up on you without any warning really, not any obvious signs at first. Now although in the past I've made feeble attempts to put an end to my life, they were, as I now look back, simply ways to add a little drama to my life at the time. There were no thoughts of suicide recently, I was not stuck in bed unable to get up to start the day or any such thing, however, depression was still there and present and working its way into my life a little more day by day.

I don't blame anyone one person, any one situation, any one moment in time, and perhaps most importantly not myself for becoming depressed. That is not to say that all the various factors, when combined in the right combinations, did not come together for a perfect prescription for being downright blue and heading toward a place that could have been very hard to get out of. I don't plan on getting into all the specifics, at least not at the present time, I do however plan on getting everything back on track and keeping myself on the bright side looking forward to the next day. I've missed writing in this blog and am eager to get back into it...my therapy. I also am going to make a valiant effort to take steps to make sure that I do not head down this road again anytime soon.

A Little Useless Information

1. What time did you get up this morning? It varies, but usually pretty early...anywhere from 4am to 8am.

2. How do you like your steak cooked? I don't really eat steak often, but I'd say Med-Well

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Little Ashes

4. What is your favorite TV show? I Love Lucy

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Chicago, New York, Iceland, SF

6. What did you have for breakfast? Coffee

7. What is your favorite cuisine? It varies

8. What foods do you dislike? Pineapple, Sweet Potatoes, Dorrito's

9. Favorite Place to Eat? Nothing pops into my mind specific

10. Favorite dressing? Blue Cheese & 1000 Island

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? I don't drive

12. What are your favorite clothes? As long as it looks good, I don't care

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? I'd go back to visit Iceland

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? I strive to think 1/2 full

15. Where would you want to retire? Retire? Hell no, I'd be way too bored

16. Favorite time of day? Depends if I'm alone or not

17. Where were you born? San Bernardino, California

18. What is your favorite sport to watch? Hmmmm.....none

19. Who do you think will not tag you back? Niel S...LOL

20. Person you expect to tag you back first? Gerry Manuel

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? See question 20

22. Are you satisfied with your life? Nope, but getting there

23. Are you a morning person or a night person? I'd have to say morning as I get older...ugh!

24. Do you have any pets? Yes, his name is Chay Chay...he's virtual

25. If you only had one day to live, who would you spend it with? Anthony Capouzo and my Baboy.

26. What did you want to be when you were little? I have no clue

27. What is your best childhood memory? All the time spent at my Granny's

28. Are you a cat or dog person? Both

29. Are you married? Not allowed yet

30. Always wear your seat belt? Yes

31. Been in a car accident? More than one, when I was younger and stupid

32. Any pet peeves? Laziness in the workplace

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings? Mushrooms & Chicken

34. Favorite Flower? Roses, though I'm the one usually sending them

35. Favorite ice cream? Vanilla & Cookie Dough

36. What is your favorite color? Ultra-Marine Blue & Red

37. Have you ever been in Love? More than once & in some ways I still am

38. Would people describe you as passive or agressive? Agressive

39. Do you think you are passive or agressive? Passive

40. What is your best personality trait? Your worst? My emotions on both counts

Life After High School, But Still On The Rock!

I took this picture earlier this morning using Google Earth. For those who do not recognize it, this NAS Keflavik, Iceland(well formally it was at least). I was able to zoom in and out to various places all over the base, I was even able to see where my house used to be from the imprints left after the housing was torn down. Although I remember most of these buildings, it was a little more difficute to remember what they all were when I was there. However, as I identified many of them it seemed that each one held a story, or many stories in most cases. If you look at the bottom midle of the picture you will see what was, at the time, the Youth Center where I worked and met all those awesome kids that still hold a place in my heart. See the blue U shaped building at the top and a little to left of center? Well that is the old A.T. Mahan High School. I'm so grateful to have seen Francesca Laurenzi earlier this year and share stories, which was equally amazing because we were several years apart in school and never hung out, but the magic that is Iceland allowed us to talk as if we were best friends. In a few weeks another former school mate, Alex Benjamin, is going to be here in Chicago and we are going to get the chance to see each other and I'm sure that it will be the same scenario(I am also hoping that Angela Romero-Faulkner with make a guest apperance that weekend).

As I have said before being in Iceland brought a closeness among people who might not have been otherwise. Though options were limited in many ways, the limitations were a perfect setting for creating your own fun, even at the expense of our parents at times. As with every teenager in history knows, although you say you will keep in touch after graduation and nothing will change, it always does. When you do not have to get up every morning and drudge off to school in order to collectivly see all of your friends, the distance immediately begins to come between you. Now imagine, if you will, how different life would have been if that was not really possible. Sure you stop going to school, or do you? You will not see your best friend everyday, as before, because you do not have homeroom together anymore, or will you? Now with all this free time on your hands you can do anything you want to, or can you? You have graduated from high school after 13 (for some of us 14) years and never have to look back, see those teachers that drove you nuts, put up with the people you could not stand, and best of all you do not have to set foot in that building again....or do you?

(Gordon McMahon has been lucky enough to go back to Iceland recently, and was able to get into the old high school. I finally looked at these pictures today, after avoiding them for some reason...ok ok ... because I did not want to get all mushy and teary eyed. Nevertheless, I looked at them and the memories came rushing back yet again. Check out A.T. Mahan High School, courtesy of Gordon, oh and G thanks for letting me use your pictures.)
Having limited builidings in Iceland, the high school also served as a meeting hall and was used in the evenings for college classes. So no sooner had we left this building behind, did we find ourselves right back in it for more school. The major difference being that we actually had to behave ourselves as adults(how the hell do you do that, I am still working on that one)and did you know that it is much harder to stay awake in school at 7pm versus 7am? Although during certains times of the year it was pretty irrevelevent considering 24 hours of sunlight or darkness was the norm.
I took drama in high school just to fill space and really enjoyed it, so much so that I still wanted to be a part of it afterwards, thus landing me right back in the building for yet another reason. Now as you already have been told, with the communtiy being so small, social gatherings were few and far between....well at least organized ones. So you find yourself going to dances, back at the school, just so you have some of that social interaction that you were pretty sure that you did not want so much of anymore. But hey you are not a student so you did not have to play by the same rules! That is until you are kicked out of a dance, although your date was still a student, because you(and your friends)did not get along with one of the teachers, who just happened to be the chaperon. So after all these years of waiting to be a graduate and not follow the same social norms or have to obey the same people, you are screwed!
So much for the light at the end of the tunnel, so much for getting away from it all, or getting away from anyone. The picture to left shows the Chapel of Light, where myself and Amy Barclay took on the challenge of singing the Michael W. Smith song, "Friends". I remember trying not to look at Eddie Parker, my best friend, because I knew I would cry, but I did catch a glimpse of him(I mean how could I not, he was my best friend for crying out loud)and when I did, he had tears streaming down his face. I am pretty sure that is why, to this day, I will sing with my eyes closed most of the time. Close your eyes and be amazed at what you see in your mind, the memories, the moments that have changed your life....for me a great deal of them are in Iceland. They lie in the closeness and isolation that we were all forced, yet lucky to experience.

Though life after high school did not change as much as we might have thought that it would it did give us a lot more time on our hands to conjure up ways to have fun, and to continually come up with new ways of doing the same ole things. Some of the greatest moments shared on base were spent at the air terminal in the middle of the night. Thinking back on it now, it seems that we all ended up drawn there to hang out, chill out and talk, just spend some time away from other things and why? If you stop and thing about it, of all the places on the base it was the most important place on base. The air terminal was, not only the best place for late night hot chocolate, but also our link in and out of the twighlight zone. The place where, when we stepped off that plane for the first time and for the last, our lives forever changed. The air terminal served as a
pit stop for the troops returning from Desert Storm and we were able to meet and thank the men who were over there, putting their lives at risk for ours. I remember taking an "F" on an assignment for a Sociolgy class because I did not want to bombard them with questions, I just wanted to be someone who was grateful for their service, regardless of whether I felt the situation they were in was wrong or right. Hell it was not the first "F" I had recieved on an assignment, but at least this time it was on purpose. The time s spent at the terminal were almost surreal in a lot of cases. I am sure that I am not the only person that looks back and thinks of it as a place to go and just leave what we were dealing with at the door. I talk a great deal about how small, isolated and sheltered we were from reality in the states, but that does not mean that we did not have our own share of things to deal with. Those things may have seemed small to things that had to be dealt with for other teenagers, but for us they were big, no matter what they were. You could take solace in the terminal, and of course get away with some crazy and emotional moments that are simply unexplainable.

The bowling alley, the movie theater, Dead Man's Hill, the mini-mart(it was always good to have a friend working there), Wendy's, The USO, the community center(where only four best friends could plan a party, pay for it all, get drunk as hell, get in a huge fight and then not remember any of it the next day). These are just a few of the places at NAS Keflavik that served to be our life both before and after graduation. I imagine it would take an enitire encyclopedia of experiences to give even a small view of what it was life for us. The beauty of the rock could only be outshadowed by the incredible life that we all had there. Come on, where else in life can you be accused of egging someones house when you are literally thousands of miles away?

Each time that I sit down to try and write about Iceland I find myself in turmoil. It is so hard to try and focus in on things because they always give way to more and more. My first thoughts were to simply write a few things and let that be that, but when there is so much more it is impossible. I am sure for some people reading this would confuse them beyond belief. I am very grateful to know that for at least a few people it is like being able to go back and do it all over again.....because I know that I would in a heartbeat!

Mail Call....Just When You Think You've Seen It All!!!

I'm pretty sure that all of us have, either accidentally or slightly or purpose, entered our email address on a website that felt the need to sell our information to another website. The amount of spam, though not nearly as bad as it used to be, was ridiculous and somewhere along the line someone decided that we wanted to see certain body parts of certain people, in various postions....well you get the idea.

Well today things took a turn in another direction and when I went to the mailbox there was an unassuming looking letter there addressed to me, at an address from a couple years ago. In the fine print on the back of the envelope, right where you would miss it, unless it just happens to catch your eye, were the words...."Adult material enclosed". So I'm thinking, this should be interesting and I can't seem to get the important mail to find me, but I'll be dammed if bills and this envelope had no problem tracking me down. Now of course my first thought was to just throw it away, but of course curiosity got the best of me. Being the kind and generous person that I try to be I felt the need to share this with those who may come across this. Everything below is actually from the brochure that was inside and .... well....enjoy!!!

"Performance-Fusion: THE Supercharged Erection Gum. Pop it in your mouth....And get ready to watch your penis swell bigger by the second".

"I was sitting in the living room waiting for my wife to finish cooking dinner... Suddenly, I felt a long-forgotten warmth in my groin... More surprising yet, it seemed as though my penis had started to swell up!
I told myself that this was impossible, that I must be having an allergic reaction to the gum... Then I got up and headed to the bathroom to see what was going on, and realized that my penis was fully erect - and then some... I touched it and I had such a huge erection that I thought my penis was going to explode!"

All I could do was laugh and laugh and laugh. Of all the things that I've heard this is one for the books. In case you're interested in this, a thirty day supply of gum costs $75. So go ahead and chew like hell and plan on skipping dinner.

Mind Over Emotion Over My Mind & My Emotion

For anyone that knows me, even just a little bit, they know that my life has been ruled by emotion and completely illogical, random, spontaneous and, at times, destructive decisions. At 37 years old I would have thought that things would be a lot different, yet I find that I can compare it to an 18 year old who does not seem to have a clue. The difference being I have a long list of mistakes, that I should have learned from over the years, and perhaps I have, though I would be hard pressed to actually put my finger on anything too specific. Growing up in a military family had many advantages as well as disadvantages. The constant moving around, for myself at least, pushed me further and further into a shell that still to this day haunts me. Over the years that shell proved to be my only friend that I knew that I would never be forced to say goodbye to, unfortunately it has also proven to be an obstacle in trying to relate to the world outside of that shell. For many years as a child and teenager my emotion took the form of anger and basically showing my ass. After I graduated from high school I began working with children at the Youth Center on NAS Keflavik and started to see a lot of myself in many of the kids that I was working with. Although I had no actual training to work kids, what I did have proved to be more help than any training could have given me. I had already grown up as a military brat and knew what they were feeling and the things that they were going through. I found myself gravitating to the kids that seemed to have behaviour problems, discipline problems, those that seemed to just be kinda lost. I became very close with a handful of these kids and their families and acted like a big brother of sorts for many of them, while still being able to be their friend. I worked there for a little over a year before my dad was stationed back in the states and I had to leave. On my last day of work at the Youth Center one for the boys that seemed to always be in my office in trouble came up to me and said he wanted to talk to me. In my mind I was thinking that this was it, this kid was going to let it all out and tell me exactly what he thought of me. As much as I tried to be a friend, I was still the assistant director and more often than sometimes, I was forced to be that bad guy at work. I was ready to let this kid say or do whatever he wanted, if for no other reason than to let him get it out of his system. We sat down in the main room of the center and what happened next completely caught me off guard and changed me in a huge way on an emotional level. This sixth grade boy, that spent more time in my office than most of the other kids told me that he was sorry for all the trouble that he had caused me. He told me that although he would get mad at me for various reasons, he knew that everything that I had done was only to try and help him. He told me that he was going to really miss me and he thanked me for everything that I had done for him and then he just started to bawl his eyes out and put his arms around me. At that point another of the kids was walking through the main room on their way to the bathroom and saw what was going on and also started to cry at the thought of me leaving. It was not too long before about half of the 100+ kids ended up coming out to see what the noise was all about and it was just one big emotional moment. At that time I learned that, although I grew up thinking that boys do not cry, they hold their emotions inside, that crying was ok and letting your emotion out was a good thing. I tell this story because it changed my life in a big way and I believe that it changed the lives of many kids that day that perhaps had grown up thinking the same way I had. I do hope that these kids learned a much better way to balance that emotion with logical thinking than I have over the years. Looking back I find that I have apologized many times for my emotional outbursts only to find that instead of apologizing for anything of the sort, I only need to find that balance. There are times I wish I could be nothing more than just a bitter old queen because it seems, at that particular moment, that it would be easier to not have the emotion that may be consuming me. Of course those moments of bitter envy rarely last more than 24 hours if that long and I find myself grateful for the emotion because it reminds me that I care.
Emotion and caring in and of itself is not so much of a problem, but add to it, over analyzing a situation to the point that it brings to mind things that may not even be there and all hell can break loose. The utter turmoil between that which is logical and that which is emotional, again I can only speak for myself, needs a constant mediator to manage the particular situation. In the past when this turmoil has proven to be too much to handle I have turned to various destructive ways of handling it, and in the past all I have been able to gain from taking those routes is nothing more than temporary numbness. Last night I once again thought along those same lines as I got pretty drunk, though nothing compared to my drunken days of the past. Last nights venture only served to guarantee that I woke up with a massive headache and the guilt of not handling my emotion in a logical way. Instead though of spending today getting down on myself for being dumb about last night, I have decided to figure what I may have learned from it. I chose to use my mind over my emotion.
The shell that I have lived in for so long really has no place in my life anymore. I have spent all these years in this shell, never reaching out in a positive way, meaning that I have refused to admit the need for closeness from people around me. Sitting in the bar last night all alone was quite depressing while I watched various groups of friends interacting with each other. I really have no desire to get into the bar scene again, yet I know that I need to reach out in some way to meet people and make new friends. There are support groups out there for everything on the face of the earth, but what could be more supportive than a group of friends just hanging out and

spending time together. I have realized that I can not so it all by myself, despite many years of trying to do so. I can not be with the one I love right now, though we are both working towards that goal. I am realizing that it is ok for him to have people close to him and that I need to have people close to me. This battle of My Mind over My Emotion is not going to end anytime soon, I do hope however that I will continue to learn how to balance out the two of them in a way that will strengthen me versus bring me down. Despite the occasional desire to be an uncaring bitch, I am grateful for the lesson that I learned so many years ago from those kids. There are times that I have thought that I didn't have emotion anymore, I have realized that there are simply things in life that I don't know how to process, or maybe I am scared to process. We all need therapy of some sort, whether it is professional, talking to your friends or neighbor, or, as in my case for now, this blog. Keeping things bottled up only gives cause to an explosion of some sort in the future, I know this in my mind and try to remember that every day even if it doesn't always work. I recently took a silly quiz on facebook that is supposed to show which side of your brain you use the most, my result was both side equally.....which really explains why I tend to be such a mess I guess!! I just can't make up my mind sometimes and my emotion does it for me. Hell who want to be logical all the time, that would be boring!

A.T. Mahan High School - Keflavik, Iceland

How many people were in your graduating class? 500? 1000? 1500?

Well here is a picture of my graduating class in Keflavik, Iceland in 1991. All seventeen of us, although one did not make it, making it a class of 16 people who graduated. Thanks to facebook I have been lucky enough to get in touch with most of them in the past two months after almost twenty years.

There is no way to fully share this experience with anyone who has not lived it sadly. I will however do my best to give it some life because it was simply the most amazing time of my life and in a category all by itself.

Recently I was chatting with another friend from the days of Iceland we both agree there is nothing in life that will compare or even come close to a related experience. As I have said before I had no intentions of going to Iceland in the first place and so my whole attitude was negative in the beginning. It did not take long to realize that these people were going to be my only friends whether I liked it or not. I met my best-friend on the first day of school. See that little Filipino guy in the front? That's Eddie Parker, later and forever known to me and a few others as Mr. Ed. I remember how I met him as if it were yesterday and though the story itself is pretty lame it somehow remains a so vivid in my mind. First day of school, first class of the day he was cool as he informed that i had missed a belt loop in my pants. So that's it, nothing dramatic, but for whatever reason that is all it took for us to become instant friends.

It's pretty interesting how living a small plot of land on a small little island in middle of the ocean suddenly changes your life in ways that you would never have imagined. It did not matter who was popular and who wasn't in the good ole USA because everyone knew each other and popularity simply had to be left at the door. As did many other things, ie: Fashion, Current Events, Popular TV Shows and countless other things. You didn't have to worry about being someone because nobody was anything and everybody was everything. You learned to get over things fast, you had to when you simply can't get away from someone because they are everywhere. Arguments and fights couldn't last because then you wouldn't have anyone to help you get through the day. There was no black or white, rich or poor, or 'I'm better than you are '. The island and school was too small for that and there was not any room for all that.

As seniors we were very lucky to have a little room that we could all congregate into and get away from the other 182 students(grades 7-11). The Senior Lounge was our special place to go and relax, unwind, and it was all ours. No under class men were allowed to enter and no teachers dared invade our space. This room held for us secretes, freedom, our own reality and gave us the space to be alone, which was very hard to do anywhere else on base. There are so many memories that come rushing in just as I type this, yet I seem to remember one of the best things about the lounge is was it was like Vegas. What happened there, stayed in there and is still in there.

With all the things that people think we missed out on by being in such an isolated place, we had the opportunity to experience things that those people never will. Did you have a Senior Field Trip? If so did it include seeing one the greatest waterfalls in the world? How about sitting in a natural hot spring, surrounded by snow? Those are just two of the amazing things we were able to be a part of together and as friends. I wonder how many people in the world can say they knew everyone they graduated with?

I often refer to my time in Iceland as a total and complete break from reality. In some ways it be seen as primitive compared to what the high school kids at the time were doing in the United Sates. In many ways our options were limited which gave us reasons to become creative in what we did and how we spent our time. Silly as it may sound today, our days and nights were spent bowling, playing pool, playing cards, watching movies 4-5 times a week and many, many trips to the Air Terminal for no other reason than to get hot chocolate and get out of the house. We were able to have some of the same rights of passage as high school kids in the states: House Parties(ok so it was really a rented community center), Drinking and trying to hide it from our parents, and Prom. Our prom lasted for close to twenty four hours and included dinner at the Officers Club, A Movie, Bowling, Breakfast, and a few other things that I don't remember for one reason or another.

So what happens when the school year ending gets closer and closer? You begin to realize that these people that you have spent so much time with, more time than any other high school class would spend together in the world, have in many ways become your family. Perhaps the worst thing about being a military brat is always moving from place to place, I know it brought me to a point where I didn't really care about making friends. It was just easier to be a loner. However, in Iceland the rules changed. Not only did I make friends, my whole life, as well as theirs, revolved around each other. There was point where if you saw me, you saw Mr. Ed, David Hillers and David Mayes, almost as if the four of us were one person. In hind sight it was probably kinda freaky...or would have been if we were in the states.

Amongst all the things we had shared and were still sharing it starts to settle in that someones father or mother could get orders at any moment taking them away from what had become our life. For some it came as a blow almost too much to take, why had we been forced to come this island and meet these people and become so close with them only to have them ripped out of our lives...yet again. As much as we were adults we were still kids and it wasn't easy. Why did someone who you had spent pretty much every single day with in the past nine months suddenly shut down in despair over how to handle doing something that we had all done so many times, move on? We were about to graduate high school, finally after so many years, yet so many times we cried, we were sad and at a loss for words. Saying goodbye is never easy, but it is twice as hard when you have to do it over and over and over in just a couple months time.

The great thing about going to A.T. Mahan High School in Keflavik, Iceland is that you were allowed to be a person, a real person. We were allowed to cry and show feelings and emotions, even if we thought we could control them and no one faulted us for it. We were allowed to share a bond that no one else in the world could have access to. We were able to all be friends without all the bullshit that still plaques high school kids today, we all belonged....to each other.